Come a little closer baby

TOMORROW! Hopefully I can make it home. It is suppose to snow and I am worried that Meghan and I won't make it home. I am hoping the snow is not to bad and we can make it. I really just want to be in Beloit. I have not started packing or anything...UGH! I have so much to do and yet here I am blogging about nothing. I am nervous about my trip home thanks to my mom. I am afraid she is gonna yell at me for something. I hate being a disappointment to someone. I can't wait to see Teenie and Kim! OMG I just want to be there. I get to see Jason. I am so excited.

Teenie wants us to write out our New Years Resolutions and share them and it has got me thinking of what I really want to improve this year. I feel that my way of expression needs to be improved. I let so many things go that I should say. Not just all bad things positive things to. I have a hard time communicating with others. This is my goal to improve it. I want to just enjoy life. This seems simple but lately I have not enjoyed life at all. I want to be able to be carefree and not worry. Jason says I am to uptight and I worry way to much, which I kinda think is true. So I am going to relax more. I am gonna love life.

I talked to Adam yesterday and he told me he was not going back to Beloit College. It surprised me. This dream school that he had to go to and now he is going to U-Rock. WOW! How life changes in such a short period of time. I kinda wish I was him. I wish I was in Beloit. I don't have enough guts to walk away from Lax. My college life is established here. I talked to Krisit the other day and we have decided that we should hang out sometime when we are both in Beloit. It was nice talking to her. I think we both have grown up and now that we were being stupid.

Life is constatnly moving and I am ready to keep up with the movement and not feel sorry for myself......

lovelove

It's Killing Me

I have always been that strong person. The person my friends come to to talk about their problems and expect an answer from me that will help them deal. Yet now I feel like I am alone. Yea I talk about my problems with others but I keep most of it to myself. Hide it and not let others see that I am crying inside every single moment of every single day. Everyone is leaving this week to go home for the holidays yet here I am still sitting in Lax wondering where my home is...I don't have one anymore and that is the hardest thing for me to grasp. In this last month I tried so hard to rid of the tension between my mom and I but I didn't not succeed. She tells me if I come home I'm not allowed to see Jason or my friends. Who does she think she is? My friends and Jason are the only people that keep my grounded anymore. I am at the point in my life where I just want to say fuck it to everything. Fuck school, Fuck life, Fuck FUCK FUCK! Yet I smile and act like its all ok dont worry about it. I don't have a home, a family, or anything to call home back in Beloit.

Jenny leaves today and until Jan 26th (I think) I will be here by myself. I am not looking forward to it. I just don't like the image the parallel lines of how my school life reflects my inner life. This semester has been a bitch and I will be lucky if I pass all of my classes. I let my inner feelings play into my education which was where I went wrong from the start. No one is to blame but me for my actions. I have given up alcohol for a year. I will drink in strict moderation until my 21st bday. Which means maybe half a glass of wine or a bottle of beer that's it. No more nights of out of controlness and wonder what the fuck I did that for. No more drinking my emotions away. I am going to deal with my problems sober.

The future is starting to look bright for me...haha through all of this I have become independent not having to depend on my mom for money or security, I have myself now. I also have a few great freinds that mean the world to me. Without the support I have had this year I don't think I would of made it. I have an amazing boyfriend who I love so much it hurts. I don't think he realizes that without him I probably would of dropped out of school. End of this month will be 6 months for Jason and I and HOLY SHIT that is a long time. I hope we can make it another 6 months...I want him in my future. I never imagined myself saying those words. I watched couples make this statement and I would just laugh thinking yea right whatever but now it's me saying it and I like it. Next semester I have all health classes with one math class! Its going to be an interesting eventful semester. It is going to be an exciting year for the state of wisconsin and tobacco control! I want to be involved so bad...I just need to get my priorities straight. 2009 here I come and I am ready to make this year 10x better then this fucking year of 2008.

To think last year at this time. I had just got over kidney stones, johnny and the thought of being away from home. home a place that meant so much to me last year now ha well who cares.

ITS TIME TO ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT!

lovelove

I hate this

So christmas is suppose to be time the time of the year when you spend the holidays with the ones you love. Well it does not seem that way for me. I dislike my mom so much anymore I cant stand it. I don't think I am gonna go home for xmas this year. I think it is best that my mom and I not be around each other this time of the year. She does not understand who I am as a person and she forces me to choose between my family and Jason. I am done. I can not do this anymore and I hope one day she realizes what she has lost.

Its my dick in a box...

AH! that is the word of the day. I am so exhausted of life right now. I miss Beloit, my friends, family and most of all Jason. Of course I fucked things up already, not surprising. I had to go and start talking to someone else in order to feel like I had someone but this just made things worse. Jason and I got over it and now I realize that I am more in love with this man then I have been with anyone else. I just want to see him every day. I want to sit on the couch and watch a movie together. I want to wake up next to him. I want all of this and I can't have it right now because I am going to school so fucking far away. He came and saw me this weekend, which was amazing, but it makes me want to cry all the time now because I realized how much he means to me. I have to make it through this. We have to make it.

Otherwise life sucks. I have not seen any of my friends in forever. I want to go home for a weekend but I don't get weekends off anymore. I need to figure things out with my family because they are a little ridiculous. I hate this. I just want to be happy and I can't do that. Hm I am living in a house next year which is super exciting. I can not wait! I am living with my friend Andrea who is amazing and then Jenny too which is even more exciting! Three years of rooming together she is like my sister. I am excited. who knows what I am doing for the holidays because I sure they fuck don't know what I am doing. I am not going home for thanksgiving but maybe for Christmas...who knows. not much else going on.

inlovelove

What goes around comes around

LIFE!
time goes faster then I want it to
friends come and go way to quick
tick tick tick its gone
I can't go back
I can only move forward
with or without me
I miss so many
work, bills, school, life.....

I miss beloit and my friends.....maybe not beloit but my friends I def miss. I work all the time now and still don't have a cell phone thanks to my lovely beyond lovely mother. One day I am going to be strong and she is going to regret everything she has put me through. I have lost all respect for her.

Teenie and Kim seem to far away. I have not been able to speak to them in ages. I feel lost.
I am having a hard time remembering that I have a boyfriend..........I have super strong feelings for him but not being able to talk to him all the time makes me feel like I am single....this is not good and is probably going to get me in trouble.

I seem to have lost a few friends here in lax and I really don't give a fuck They don't seem to understand that friendship is a two way road not a one way. FUCK THEM! I still have my core group and that is all that matters.

LOVEMYFUCKINGLIFE!

Stay a little longer

one week done of school! its about damn time. This week has been so hectic. I didn't think it would be this hard. My classes are requiring so much more this year and it is coming at me fast. I have 15 credits now which is good and makes me feel so much better. I love not having class on friday. I didn't think I would like it but I LOVE it. Especially after this week I just wanted to dig a hole and lay down in it. I am getting a little sick but I am fighting it and making myself believe that I am well. Lax girls are well! I love them girls. I see meghan all the time and toni every now and then. I wish Toni did not live so damn far away.

I turned in my application for Sears Optical and will know by Tuesday if I got the job. I have my fingers crossed. Meanwhile I need to focus on getting my room cleaned and in order. haha I partied last weekend hardcore and I am taking it easy this weekend. I just need to do my own thing for awhile.

I feel like I am losing touch with a lot of my friends. I just don't have the desire to pick up the phone all the time and call them. The phone works both ways. One friend calls me when I am busy and I will tell her I will call her right back and she never answers or calls back. It is starting to annoy me. I guess this is the time that you get to learn who your true friends are.

Anti social? I have been called this a lot lately......hm? Maybe I am maybe I am not. Who knows maybe I just want to be by myself. I miss Jason a lot. I didn't think it would be this hard. I thought I would be busy and not think about him but I was WAY wrong. 24/7 I wonder what he is doing or what we would be doing if I was home. I can't wait to go home for a weekend to see my family, friends, and Jason. hm

sadlove

18 days til I am in Beloit!!!!

Lets go outback tonight

It has been a long time since I have blogged. There has been so much going on that I have not wanted to face it yet. TONS of problems with Jason. Jason.....well I don't know what to say about the situation. He hit on one of my good friends and some stuff almost happened and it hurts just to type this. We worked things out but now I am leaving for lax in a week and things are on the verge of ending once again. Not becaus either of us have done anything wrong. Well I did go on a date with another guy but I saw it as just friends. Ha there has been some jealously issues. Jason thinks Adam and I have something going on when he is my best f riend and that is all he will ever be. I really want things to work and this coming week will be the time to figure out if we are both in this together or if it is going to end. I am working hard on this but not trying to worry about it at the same time.

I miss my friends. I feel like all of us are going different ways and I am not liking it. I hardly get to see them. Kim leaves for Madison Sunday. Teenie moves into her dorm tomorrow. Most of the other ones are gone....hm Maybe I am doing something wrong. I don't want to lose my best friends. UGH I hope all works out.

Second year of college!!!!!! I am so excited. I can not wait for this year to start. I know it is going to be an amazing year. Time to hit the books and relax with friends when I am not studying. Root beer float Thursday, tv shows, and well parties.

lovelove

Don't you forget about me

BELOIT! Ha well I thought being home was going to be way better then it seems to have started. I have been here almost a week and I am not liking it at all. Jason and I are having a communication problem and I honestly don't know what to do. He has mentioned multiple times about breaking up with me. I went into this whole relationship thinking it was going to be a long term thing if it was going to just be a summer fling I was not going to do it just because I want a serious relationship. I asked him about it the other night and he avoided the question. I have not talked to him all day today and I don't know what to think. Maybe I am reading this all wrong and everything is fine but it is not looking that way. This hurts so much and I don't know what to do. I have cried a lot lately and I HATE crying. hm...I really hope things get better if not Jason and I will be breaking up soon.....

I have had problems with my mom of course that is nothing new these days. I just have a lot on my mind and tons of decisions to make. I just don't want to grow up right now. I want to go back to the days where I could run away from my problems and never have to face them. Now I know this sounds dumb and won't take the cheap way out of making things better. I have to keep reminding myself about my values. UGH! who knows.

lovesucks

I be loving you long time

Week 2 in Lax and I love it. I am going home this thursday for two weeks which is even more exciting. I miss my friends, family and Jason. I just want to hang with people that know me. Here in Lax things are kinda boring. Haha. I am trying to find a job and have an interview with Sears once I come back.

Hm what else? I have hung out with Toni and her boyfriend Quin a lot and they are tons of fun. I love them. haha Jason came and saw me friday night and that was nice. I miss him so much being away but it is for the best. I got offered an internship in Madison. I really don't know what I am going to do about it. I REALLY want to do it I just don't know when I can. Being offered the opportunity to work at the Capitol is amazing. I can't believe it. All the doors seems to be opening the right way for me right now and I am loving every moment of it. I know it will all end soon just because well my life never seems to be easy. I just don't want to fuck things up with Jason.

I am so scared that I am going to be the one to mess things up. I have a hard time being honest to one person because I feel that they do not care for me. That is not an issue with Jason but I just hope I can remind myself why I am doing what I am doing. I am falling for him fast and hope that will help me stay truthful to him. Going from a player to a single man is a little hard.

Right now I am enjoying life to the fullest. I get to see my friends at the end of this week and that is all that matters to me.

Love love

Lax Day 1

I have successfully moved back to the lovely La Crosse!!! Today is my first day on my own. No roommate, no dorm life and no pets..haha. I LOVE it. I love being on my own. I did leave behind a lot in Beloit and I am not sure how I feel about the situations at home. Jason and I are dating and I am loving every moment of it. He takes care of me more then my own mother does. He shows he cares. He used the "L" word a couple days before I left and I didn't know how to react. I didn't say it back but I am falling for him. Yeah he is a lot older then I am but I don't see this Age is nothing but a number to me. Wow I def didn't see my life at this point. I am loving every moment of him.

Now my mom knows about Jason and I, and told me she was okay with it. Now that I have left she is throwing this bitch fit and talking so much stuff about me behind my back. I do not understand her what am I suppose to do? I can not keep her happy. I do not want to go home because of her. I want to go back to Beloit to see my friends, family and Jason but not when my mom is acting like this. I am so glad I have moved out. I just need to find a job and things will be a lot better.

I went on an adventure today and found the post office. I was very proud of myself. Haha. I love it here. I need to clean this place but all well I have two weeks to do stuff.

My heart hurts for multiple reasons right now and I don't know what else to do.

I guess this time alone will help me sort my life out. Part of me wants to break up with Jason just so my mom will get off my back but i dont know..............I like him so much

UGH!!! why can't I just be happy? It is like a crime

hating life

I talk smack

well another season of fireworks has ended and this by far was the awkwardest summer! I ended up making out with Jason on the 4th and it was not spur of the moment thing. I kinda had it planned. Him and I had a conversation a couple nights before and well he told me he has liked me for years. It took my by surprise and made me reconsider everything. I have always thought he was hott but he is a lot older then me....that is the down side. I don't know what is going to happen between him and I. I move back to lax on friday. Some of my friends have yelled at me and some have even made me cry about the situation. I just don't know what to do. I like him. I honestly truly due. He likes me. He cares about me. I just don't know. People hate me now and I do not like that. I just wish some of my friends especially eric would see this from my eyes. UGH maybe it is best for me to just move to lax and forget everything that has happened...............

confused

Bad Idea

I hate that Jason my boss wants to get at me so bad. He is texting me now wanting me to go over to his house. NO NO NO maybe if he was younger and not my boss I would reconsider but HE is all of those things. I feel bad for the guy. He needs to just find someone to take care of him. I guess it keeps work interesting for now. I work my ass off at fireworks to be the best that I can and I still feel like I can be better. A lot of things are starting to annoy me at work such as Courtney being on the phone all the time when there are customers or her being in the back flirting with her boy toy I can not stand it. She needs to do her job. UGH!!!

I still the same way about my friends....I just dont know anymore. I do love working with Ashley, this season at fireworks we have become really good friends and I LOVE it.

Tomorrow I go to Steven's Point to accept my award on being a volunteer or something of the other it is a huge honor and I am glad that I was chosen but I don't do anything for myself I could really care less. It is about seeing change in our community that is all I care about.

BOYS! Well none....they all have girlfriends. I am focusing on me....

lovehate

Tears

I seem to cry a lot more these days....i hate it. I just want to be happy. This by far has been the worst summer of my life so far anyways. No one tells me anything and I HATE it. Shit happens at work and I am the last one to find out. My friends tell each other stuff and think that I don't need to know. That I will judge them or something I dont know. I feel like I am closer to people that I would not expcet to be close with.

I am nervous about going back up to lax but after these last couple of weeks I am ready to go. I need to shut myself off from the world for awhile and just focus on getting my life straightened out. I am not going to fuck about with bullshit anymore.

Friendship is about trust and without trust there is no friendship......

I am starting to not trust those friends that I thought i could trust......

It is time for a change

Won't go home without you

work work work work...that is all I do anymore. I mean I love the money but I do not like the job anymore due to the boss hitting on me all the time. I hate it. I use to love working there. It made the summer so much more fun but now I just can't wait for the fireworks season to be over. I am only here for so long and I am missing out on good times with my friends.

Kim leaves this weekend for Madison. I am not sure how I really feel about this. I am super excited for her to get a jump start on her college career but then I feel like it is to soon. I have a feeling she is going to go to college and forget about her friends here. I know this won't happen at first because well we won't let it happen. I just hope that further down the path she doesn't forget about us. I feel like college is going to change her the most out of us three. Teenie and I changed but not really. We just grew up and experienced the freedom like everyone else. Kim is going to get all of this but she is in Madison a bigger city and well a totally different environment. I pray she can stay strong.

I have realized that waiting is not worth it anymore. I use to hold on to past relationships and friends but I can no longer due to this. I have to live today for today and not yesterday or tomorrow. I won a very special award from the state of Wisconsin for my volunteer work in prevention and I have no words to say about how honored I am to win an award of this measure. I don't do what I do for myself I do it for the lives that are harmed by the harmful affects of smoking. I want to see change and it will happen just at a slower pace.

Boys....well there are none. I like a few these days but nothing more. I want a serious relationship. Ha that is not going to happen anytime soon. I am going to focus on getting my life together and getting ready to move to La Crosse. I need to focus on me for some time. I might stick around Beloit longer then I hoped but I am not sure.....I hope not.....I need to find that happiness in myself again..it seems to have left me.

but for now I live for today
lovelove

Can't help myself

Well I have been home for about two weeks and i HATE it. The day after I come home my family decides to fall apart. I didn't really know what was going on and I still don't know what is going on in that area of my life. I thought I was coming home to get away from drama but I def walked into a big mess of it. I do not know what is going on in my life. I want to say I am happy and that I love every single moment of my life. Yet sometimes I don't want to even wake up. All I really want to do is sleep and dream of the life that I once had. A life where I was happy but in reality I have never had that life I just made it seem that way. Now I am paying for pretending to be happy. Hopefully I can get back on track soon.

Beloit has brought some interesting things into my life. My FRIENDS of course make life so much easier but there is so much other shit that i am lucky i have them friends. Josh and I are just friends now. I am content with this. this is what we need to be nothing more. He annoys me and I don't like talking about him anymore haha. There are not any guys here in Beloit right now. There are a few that I have noticed but I am just working and trying to keep my head above water. I don't really know what I want right now. I want a relationship but I don't know if I want to be tied down...who knows. haha

My best friend from the past came back into my life the other day and I have to say I miss having him as a friend. I miss all the memories we have together and all the fun we had. I miss being able to come home and know that he was always next door if I ever needed anything. I miss the midnight phone conversations on the phone while looking through the window. I just wish I wouldn't of cared about who I was in high school and I would of stayed friends with him. I do admit that I made a mistake. I let peer pressure get to me. I should have never gave up on him. He is still the same guy. I always thought him and I would date. I had a crush on him for so long and him the same with me. We spend the night at each other's houses all the time but nothing ever happened we were young and confused.

I am still waiting for that summer feeling to come...I hope it comes soon cuz I hate this feeling of blahness in my life.....

lovelove

I don't care what they say

So I have continued my streak of fucking things up. ha not suprising. Josh and I are not even friends now. sigh. This is what I wanted. I have to keep telling myself that. This is the best option for both of us. I just want my feelings for him to go away. I miss him....I really do. I miss just hanging out with him. He probably doesn't even care but whatever I can not think about him anymore.

I have noticed that every guy I talk to uses the same lines on me. In the last three years I have had one guy that I have talked to for a long period of time but in the end they always tell me the same thing. You are an amazing girl but I just want to be friends or I do not want anything more right now. I do no understand this. If I am so amazing then why can't they make the commitment to me. Adam, Johnny and now Josh. Three guys that I developed strong feelings for and was shut down by all three. We all have a history together but nothing more. These must not be the men for me. Maybe I need to tell them from the start that I am not looking for friends with benefits or a fling. Maybe I am just picking the wrong guys....ugh.

This is my last week of school and I am super excited to be heading home soon. I just want to be done and away from lax for awhile...I need a break. I need to get my head back on track. I need to take one whole day and just cry with my friends. I need someone who understands me to tell me it is going to be ok. I need my best friends. I need my family. I am a wreck... but I will suck it up for a week!

sadlove

Stupid

i always fuck things up. I don't know why I am so stupid. I get to points in my life where I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself for not being able to control myself. I hate that I say stupid things. I hate when I ruin other people's fun. I try so hard to hide my true feelings but I get to points where I can't do it anymore. I am hurting inside. I don't know what to do. I don't want to like Josh anymore. I just want things to be easy and they are not easy between him and I. I like him so much and that is the problem more then anything. I hate this. I just want to move on but I can't. This makes no sense. I do not like being hurt and I don't like huring others. He tells me he likes me but then why the fuck is this so hard? Why the fuck are we both pretending nothing is going on between us? WHY!?! thats all i need to know. The school year is almost over and we will go our separate ways. He won't want to talk to me over the summer. I will hold on to nothing. I hate that about myself. I just can't get over someone. He probably won't even talk to me after last night. I flipped out. I just don't know what to do with him. I just don't understand him. He makes no sense at all. He makes this so hard. UGH!!!

I am so glad I have friends that help me through this but there is nothing for anyone to do. I am glad they stick by my side. I am glad I can talk to them. Jenny probably hates me. I ruin everything anymore. I just want to be done with this school year so maybe just maybe I can move on. I want to talk to Josh before the year ends but who knows it probably wont happen.

I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for being emotional when it was not needed. I am sorry for being the nice person all the time. I am sorry for being the bitch. Sorry is just a word that does not take actions back. I hate myself for this. All I can say is sorry and hope that you will forgive me.

I ask for fogivness.........

Excitment...

SO EXCITED!! So I applied to be the fundraiser chair for Circle K a group that I am in here on campus...well needless to say I didn't think I was going to get it but I did!!! I am so freakin excited. I love doing this kind of stuff. It makes my day. Otherwise life is good. I think. Kind of sad. School is almost over. I can't believe I am going to be done with my freshman year of college.

This weekend was interesting. Friday I went out with Toni. HA!! lets just say we met some very interesting people. I had fun. Saturday was a bad day. I donated 14 inces of my hair!!! that was good...but after that it went downhill. The great click from high school decided to start more shit about me. I dont get it. It has almost been a year since I have seen these people but they still love to talk about me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I should not let it get to me but I am just sick of it. I want them to leave me alone. All well i have to get over it. I stayed in saturday night. I just wanted to be by myself. Sunday was a lazy day like always. Meghan and I dominated the puzzle we have been working on. That is the 4th puzzle this year. We are amazing. I am going to miss living with these girls. I love them.

Maybe my next blog will be looking back at the year...who knows.
Josh and I well who knows right now. I take it day by day. I like him alot and I am going to miss him over the summer. I just wish something would happen but I don't think it will.

I am off to watch V mars!!!!

lovelove

You raise me up

this week is almost over and I can't believe it. It's crazy. I have had a good week so far besides this morning. My weekend was interesting. I got a lot of work done and well had some fun. Friday we played games and just chilled. Saturday we went and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I highly recommend this movie. It was Jenny, Mitch, Meghan, Josh, Ryan, Kelly and I. Yes kelly came and I was not to happy about that. Josh didnt even talk to me it made me sad. Then Travis this guy I think is cute walked into the movie theater with his girlfriend and I freaked out. That night we played some interesting games that I had neve played before. Then I hung out in Josh's room for the night. haha thats all that needs to be said about that. I did accuse him of not liking me anymore and he says he still likes me so who knows. I was on a rampage that night and said some mean things I really regret most of it. All well he knows where I stand now. This week..hm not much has happened. Classes are boring like always. I had a presentation on tuesday that went well and I have one tomorrow that will go just fine. My grade in chem went up to a B so i was super excited. I also got a 94 on one of my test that was exciting. Um otherwise this morning sucked. The weather has been super nice and I LOVE it. Saturday I cut my hair I am kinda nervous but super excited.

Slowly letting go

It has been a crazy hectic week. I had four papers and two presentations this week and i am drained. This weekend well its not a weekend for me. I have so much homework it's not even funny. Let me think of what has happened in this time period. Josh was suppose to hang out with me last saturday but he got really drunk and didn't come I was kinda sad. Sunday dont remember much of that day I think I went grocery shopping..haha. Monday started the hectic week. Tuesday I went to a Sex Fair and that was interesting. In between this crazy academic week I had to deal with friend and emotional problems. One of my best friends decided to tell me stuff that hurt me. I had no idea she had been doing some of the things she has been doing. I was in shock. I cried and had no idea what to do. I still cry thinking about it...I mean it's her life but I am hurt that she didn't tell me. I wish she would have. Wednesday I went to a book club thing for 4 hours..that killed me. I have become really good friends with the library this week. I just don't think I can sit in my room and do anything productive. It just was a crazy week. UGH!!! I thought with the end of the year approaching my load would get easier and I def was wrong on that. I am so glad I have friends here that I can vent too cuz I would probably end up freaking out if I didnt have them. There are some new guys on my radar and I am hoping I can make things happen..haha. Who knows. Well I am off to do some homework and who knows what else..probably sleep my body cant take much more of this.

tiredbutlovelove

Its just to late

tears
they fall everyday lately
they swell up in my eyes
I hold them back
hoping
wishing things will get better
but i know
its time to let go
time to move on
time to take things back into my hands
I hope you realize
that you lost a freindship
one that can not be replaced...
alone
tears
sobs
what have you done?
what have I done?
non stop
flowing
crying
tons
thousands
hundreds
ten...
five...
one
tear
one solo tear
one person left alone....again
one heart
one friend
one giant tear
thats all that is left

I have been there done that fucked around

School is almost over! I cant believe it. This year has went by so fast. My first day here feels like it was yesterday. I remember moving in and meeting my roommate for the first time. All of us were a little sketchy of each other. I had no idea what to think of anyone. I had no idea what was going to happen in the next couple of months. I am not going to lie I was not to sure of the people who I became friends with right away. I was a little worried that once we got to all know each other we would hate each other. I am more of a "preppy, happy" person then others. I didn't know if this type of personality would be accepted. I came to the point where I didn't care and I have made great friends so far. I love them all! I just cant believe are time together here in the dorm is coming to an end in little more then a month. its crazy.

This week has been crazy. Academic wise nothing to big happened haha never does. Otherwise Adam didnt get a seat on the City Council and I feel really bad for him. I know he wanted it really bad but it just was not his turn. It was not meant to be. Teenie didn't come visit me and that made me sad. I was looking forward to seeing her. Other tid bite happened but nothing big. Kristi and I started talking again and well I hope things work themselves out between us...I miss the friendship.

Lovelove

ps I might be cutting off all of my hair to donate!!!!! I am nervous....

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

I have these moments where I just want to tell everyone around me to take their attitudes and their problems and shove them up their asses. I am so sick of hearing about everyone's problems....I have problems too. We all do. You are not any better then the person sitting next to you. We as humans tend to forget this. In this process I feel like I have lost two good friends. Actually I have lost them. I dont know who they are or why I even try to communicate with them. Tears come to my eyes thinking about all the good times we had together. I wish I could just leave people like that...to lead them on and then bam be like no more. Yes I still care and yes i still want to hear people's problems but I wish they would realize what they have lost. I have no words to describe the feeling that is going on inside my body......this is why I dont trust people. I should have known.

Thank you for the memories and thank you for the heartache that you have caused to many people..........

What a week!

this week is over and i am so glad. it has been a hectic week. I was super busy. i really dont know why. First week back and it hit me hard. I had to deal with guy issues, friends issues, homework and test. The greatness of writing a paper. The list goes on with how many things I had to do this week. Next week will hopefully be better. I didn't see Josh much this week and that made me sad. He was being an asshole but I do miss hanging out with him. Even if we are just going to be friends due to his popularity with the ladies all of a sudden. UGH! This weekend is a chill weekend going to study some, edit my paper and do some odds and ends stuff. I need to start looking at classes for next year. I am excited. I love picking classes. Next weekend Teenie and Alvaro are coming up to visit me and I am SUPER excited. Its going to be tons of fun. Dance party and many other great things. haha The month of March flew by I cant believe it's going to be April. Tuesday is the election for Beloit City Council and I hope Adam gets elected. I know it will be hard for him if he doesn't. Hopefully this week will end in all positives.
My emotional status has been up and down but I am hoping I can figure myself out and get back to normal. haha

lovelove

My heart cant take it anymore

spring break is over and i am so glad that it is. I couldnt stand being in Beloit another day. Spring break sucked. I reflect on the events that happened and well it was not good. I wrote about the death of Mr. Hugo Henry, that was so hard for me. It still is. Wednesday I believe it was I found out that some of my family had been deported back to Mexico. This is where I broke down. I dont know what is going on in this world. It bugs me so much. This is my family. My cousin had a life here, a job, family, a house, everything. Now he is gone back to Mexico never to enter the United States again. Half of my family is now packing up and leaving. What are we doing to these immigrants? We are scaring them. Half of my family is legal but they dont want to be here if this is the treatment they recieve and I understand. My heart hurts watching them close their house up. So many memories that happened there. Family means so much in the Mexican culture that we should not have to seperate.
The week got a little better on friday. I hung out with my besties and that was fun. Went to a dance party, grinded on some boys, kiss some, and well had fun. Saturday was the funeral for Mr. Henry and that was really hard for me. There image of him laying there not moving or speaking hurt like crazy. I could not stop crying. I have proimsed myself to work as hard as I can to prove to the young people in Beloit that there is still people out there that care.
Easter....well it was hard. A year ago on easter I lost my lovely V card to a guy that I no longer see or speak too. He did decide to give me a call and I kinda wish he wouldn't have. I miss him. I thought I was over him I forced myself to believe that I dont miss one ounce of him but I was fooling myself. The minute I heard his voice it was a flash back to the days we were once a happy couple. The days where I was not stupid before I fucked him over. He really loved me. He cared for me like no one else. I wish he would either stay in my life or leave my life; I hate this calling every now and then shit. It hurts me so much. I dont want to miss him anymore. I want to either not have to know that he will always be in my life at least as a friend. I am an emotional mess this week, hopefully I can get over it.
CLASSES TODAY!!! ugh
lovehurtlove
smile today is a new day

Everytime we touch..I get this feeling

SPRING BREAK!!!! haha well its not that great. So far it has not been great at all. Today Hugo Henry died a man that had a great influence on my life. I sat and cried for awhile today. He was by far my favorite teacher. I worked with him in the community in many years. He wanted Beloit to change, he wanted people to realize the potential of this community. Students hated him because he was so strict but all he wanted was for us to live up to our potential to make sure we did something with our life. Beloit has yet again lost another great man. I sit and cry wondering why the good ones always have to go first. Ken Hendricks and now Hugo Henry, both men had such a great impact on Beloit. Both deaths came out of no where and have left the city in shock multiple times. I dont think Mr. Henry's death has hit me yet. I want to go to work tomorrow and attend a meeting with him. I want to work with him on a project. I want him to still be here. I cant be selfish and it was his time to go but WOW. There are only a few left that care about this city like these two men did and that scares me. I hope someone steps up and realizes that Beloit needs help.

otherwise break has been interesting. Saturday well dinner and the play was great. I love being with my girls they make my night. After that it kind of went downhill. My breaks always seem to suck....I dont understand. Not much else to say..

RIP HUGO HENRY. YOU TOUCHED SO MANY LIVES. NOT ONLY THE LIVES OF STUDENTS THROUGH YOUR MANY YEARS OF TEACHING BUT BY ALSO BEING A COMMUNITY LEADER. YOU WANTED TO SEE THE DIFFERENCE HAPPEN IN BELOIT AND YOU PLAYED A HUGE ROLE IN THE OUTCOME SO FAR. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND DEDICATION. THANK YOU FOR PUSHING ME TO DO MY BEST. I NOW WORK IN HONOR OF YOU AND PROMISE TO NOT LET YOU DOWN. BELOIT WILL CHANGE. THANK YOU AND REST IN PEACE

I have had my moments

Tuesday! haha nothing to spectacular about it but well it is indeed tuesday. I go home on friday...YAY!?!?! kinda not to excited. I am in need of a break but Beloit is never a break its more of a drama filled vacation. I do get to see my friends which will be great, dont get me wrong. Today has been a BORING day three classes and I didn't learn one thing. Yesterday I only had one class so that was NICE. hahahaha

Hm this weekend. It was a good weekend. It started off bad now that I look back but it ended pretty good. Friday I went and saw 10000 B.C. It was an ok movie. Not what I expected at all but I liked it. It was kinda awkward evening due to going with Toni, Josh and Ian. haha Saturday was my cleaning and crying day and I did just that. It helped me alot and let go some of the extra feelings I was having. Josh and I agreed to be friends and focus on that. HA! I still am not sure what that means but who cares. Later on that night we were def over the lines of friends. I dont know once you cross that line its kinda hard to go back. Unless your down for kissing your friends. haha. that is the new thing I am trying out so you might want to watch out. It was a crazy night and nothing more needs to be said.

sigh....life is full of twist and turns. So I am thinking about getting a tattoo. I really want one but I am not sure yet. well I am sure that I want one I just dont know exactly what I want and how I want it

what else? :/ not sure

haha

likelove

Shawty is da shit...

Friday! finally....

wow I dont even know what to say about this week. It was not a good week at all. Madison was good but thats it (tell ya later). So the whole Josh issue went down at the start of this week and well the ball just kept rolling. I tried so hard to ignore him but I missed him so much. We are kinda friends I dont even know. I give up on knowing with him. Classes were not that great this week. My family has to move to another place in Beloit. People annoy me like no other. I just dont understand. When something is said DO IT! Dont be stupid and ignore it. UGH that is my pet peeve someone not doing what they say they will do. I have been sick all week so that is NO fun at all.

Madison...LOVE! I fell in love with Landon from Real World Philadelphia when I was in Madison. haha. I was in Madison for a smoke free wisconsin rally and it was AMAZING! I love being around people who want the same thing as me. I got to hang with friends I dont see often and that always makes me smile. I miss being directly connected to the cause. Here in Lax I dont get that much news. I HATE it. Otherwise the rally went really well. I am hoping in the next week the bills get called to a vote but who knows.

Love life = nothing
Friends= miss them
Health = sick
Friday = smile

That has always been my outlook on life. No matter what you do dont forget to smile. I could be having the worst day of my life and I smile. I make people believe that everything is ok. My heart does not hurt right now. My life does not suck. I LOVE it....thats what you think!

????love

Tears they come without warning

who am I? what type of person do I look like? Do you not realize that you led me on? A player is someone who leads girls on and then ends it with no particular reason. You say your not playing but let me tell you I knew for awhile now. It still hurts but I guess I will get over it. Why did you put effort into it? Why did you make things so complicated when they didnt need to be? Why did you always hang around me? WHY? I hate ending things that were just to great because in the end there is always one question that never gets answered. The question of why? I really dont know what to do now. Part of me says to cut off all connection with him but other half says give him a chance. Awkward vs more awkward...who knows. Its time like this that I wish I was still playing guys like no other. I always had someone to rebound off of. Now there is no one. It was fun while it lasted but now its done. I sleep in my bed knowing that there is no one now. This is my goodbye to all connected to him. why do I have a feeling something will change? why do I feel like I am fooling myself in the long run? Why do these tears come? Why is this adam all over again? WHY ME?

well not much else to say today. i hurt. i get over it. i cry. i long. I sleep. busy week. spring break 11 days.

fucklife

Have the tables turned?

Tomorrow my friends come to visit me and I am so excited! I can not wait. There is going to be so many people in my room is sick. I have no idea where people are going to sleep. I hope all goes well. As of right now its not looking to good. I dont know...I just worry to much.

I think I am getting played in my old game of playa status. This time I am the one feeling what it feels like to be the one knowing he is with other girls. I thought I was over this. I thought I could find one guy who would not fuck me over. Johnny messed me up. He took my feelings and ran with them. I did kinda let him do this. I knew what was going on but I was content with it. This time I am not content with it. I do NOT want to be that girl on the side. I refuse to be the girl on the side. He needs to realize I am not playing fucking games. ugh...memories of last year. It was great....at points. Knowing that someone was there for me. I am being stupid about this.

I have tons of work to do tonight and I am blogging how great is that? well i think I am going to get to this work.

lovehurtlove...lets pretend its not there

Can I ask you a question?

It is going to be a good week! well at least I hope its going to be a good week. Now that I say that my luck a swarm of bees are going to attack me or something. haha Last week ended up being pretty good. I dont really remember much of it. I was really busy and sometimes I wish I wasn't but it keeps me occupied. Thursday was Josh's birthday and Jenny and I made him a card. haha it was out of control. Well we didnt make it we just destroyed the one we bought. Back to wednesday....haha that was an out of control day. BUT! Toni, Meghan, Jenny and I watched the Lunar Eclipse and that was intense. haha even though we are not sure what happened because the moon was not completly covered. It was fun though! Jenny dominated her head on Josh's door trying to slide the card under it and I felt bad. Um...thursday night Josh slept on our floor for like two hours not sure why but he def did. Jenny and I were laughing because Josh snores. It was too funny. He falls asleep so fast. At breakfast the next day he mentioned it in front of everyone and I am pretty sure Kelly hates my guts. Friday..what a weird day. We hung out in Toni's room. It was going good until stupid fuck lets call him Bob had to make stupid comments about Josh and I. I hate when people do that its like shut the fuck up. Just cuz Josh laid down and put his head on my lap. I feel bad for Bob sometimes but damn it dont ruin things for me. He made some comments to Jenny too and I didnt think they were very nice. I think it comes down to him being jealous. Saturday was a good day? maybe? haha we went out to eat and went to shopko that was fun. Then we played Taboo. It was Josh and I vs Mitch and Jenny and well lets just say my team was winning until I made a few blonde moment guesses. haha Josh won't let me live that down. Jenny, Mitch and I went to a really fancy place to eat. I liked it. The interior decor was great. I am really interested in stuff like decorations and mood settings...sometimes I wish I would follow that path but it doesn't seem right for me. All I am going to say about the rest of the night is I slept in Josh's room....nothing happened...we cuddled and it was AMAZING!!!!

I really like him but part of me is worried. I just want to ask him one question but I dont have the guts to do it. I just want to know how he feels about Kelly. I dont want to be the other girl. I was that for the longest time with Johnny. I really dont want to get played over and it worries me. I am not sure what I should do??? I dont worry about it to much due to the fact he hangs with me alot but idk. It always there in the back of my mind thinking maybe he likes her too. I hate when he is texting her when he is with me, I know I have no control over it but ugh.

So I have decided to not take this summer job. I feel like I would not be committed to it. My emotional status has been up and down for the last month and I dont want to go out there and it be the same. I just want to have a normal summer. I just want to be able to do what I want. Yea my friends probably wont be around but really thats ok with me. I think I need time to myself. Teenie and Kim are the only ones in Beloit that matter anymore. (They are suppose to come here this weekend and I am praying that it works out and they can come!!!) Summer = fun and well thats what I want to have.

loveloveconfusion...its my daily life

Baby, I dont want to play any games

sigh...it feels good to have today over. I have been so busy these last two days I didnt know if I was going to make it. But here I am still living. haha Yesterday I didnt get back to Lax until like 11:15 then stood here for like ten minutes and had to run to my 12 class. Then I had tons of meetings. The first one was for my HED class which we had to present today and well we didnt start til yesterday. That was fun. Then right after that I had my chemistry group meeting. I didnt have my section done due to freaking out about HED. I felt kind of bad but then I was like fuck it. I dont care anymore. That meeting went short so then I came back to my room and was super tired. I was going to take a half hour nap but it ended up being way longer thanks to josh who text me and woke me up cuz I probably never would of got up. Then I was going to go see Barack Obama's wife speak but that didnt happen. Went to dinner came back and had to work on my HED presentation all night. UGH! Today we presented and it was horrible. I hated it. I hate being up there and looking unorganized because that is how we looked. Tomorrow is a way easier day and I am excited about that. I hung out with hott boy josh for like an hour last night and got to see him today. Makes me smile. haha cheesy I know. Not to much else going on. OH I VOTED!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOO!!! haha it was indeed a special moment. I love politics and voting is even better. Everyone should vote!!!

lovelove

snow sucks...

it has been awhile. i just realized this. This last week has been BUSY!!! I felt like i had time for nothing. I did see Bill Clinton speak on thursday i believe. who knows what day it was. He is amazing at what he does. I walked out of there thinking I am voting for his wife and then i was like what? yea right. Valentines day sucked like always. I dont really believe in the holiday. its not even a holiday. um what else. i volunteered at the blood drive on wednesday. fun! UGH my health group is making me mad. we have a presentation on tuesday and guess waht we have not even started! This is why i do not like working in groups. I rather do stuff myself and make sure it gets done. Dont think anything else super exciting happened this week. Went to perkins, which was fun. This weekend was ok. Drama broke loose on friday. I think I saw every person that i didnt want to see at one place. I hate drama but it follows me everywhere. Then Johnny wanted to hang out. WTF? I dont know why people do this to me. i guess he is really sick but I dont really care. I got to hang out with Kim all night friday so that was the best part ever! Saturday i went to the Y2Y auction. I got to see all my friends there and just be back into the mode of my old self. i loved it. Then i went and saw teenie at beloit college. We hung out and then went to a dance party! I love that girl. We always have fun together! I have to say her roomie is pretty sweet too! I needed this weekend home to get my mind back into focus. Now i am stuck in beloit due to the weather and i am super MAD!!!! ugh. i hate snow! well i am off to pout about being stuck...lol

lovelove

Life is a rollercoster

up down around and around. that is my life these days. lets see good news. We finished Veronica Mars season 3!!! that was amazing kind of a sad moment but good. Jenny, Mitch and I beat the whole game of Donkey Kong! That was amazing. even though the stupid game punked us. We got over it. lets see...Josh told me he likes me. That was good. Even though now it seems different and I am not liking it to much. I seem to have lost one of my really good friends. I am not sure where she went but she is lost. I want to help her get found but she doesn't want my help. tears. There is a rumor going around that my lovely roommate might stay. My fingers are crossed that she does, but I am not gonna get my hopes up and then be sad. I really dont like being sad and that is what I have been these last couple of days. There is so much going on that there has not been time for me. Now that Josh likes me its like no fun. He is different, I hope its something else. I dont know. I have been so busy...i want to puke. I am having some doubts about this summer job but not sure yet. I just dont know anymore. I am so confused. I really should be writing this paper..Up down Up down over the hill take a sharp turn this is my life. why cant it just be normal for once...

lovesadlove

I just want to cry.....

i just want to cry. do you ever have those times in your life when you just need to cry and everything else will be fine, if you just cry. that is the type of moment i am in right now in my life. my life can not stay good for to long. I should of known that something was gonna happen. I should of put my wall up and not let anyone near me. But I dont want to be that person anymore and I dont know how to get rid of her. I want to trust people that come into my life but why cant i? I have been hurt so many times that i should be use to it by now, i should be numb to the hurt that comes over me. I dont understand this thing called hurt. It feels like someone is tearing out every single piece of me and burning it to pieces. I have come to the conclusion that i dont have a problem trusting females but I have a really hard time trusting males. Not just men that I like but all guys. I cant trust them. I have two best friends that are guys and I dont know if i can trust them. I thought I could but I have learned by multiple heartbreaks that I cant. Sometimes I wonder if my friends even know who I am. Do they not realize that I am hurting? I think this all came about with Toni having doubt that I care about her and she can trust me. For the last two weeks I have been walking around in this body pretending everything is ok when really I am not. I dont know how to talk to anyone. I dont know how to be like hey look at me I am hurting inside what do i do? Last night I did relay for life well acutally til this morning and I am super sore but it was fun. It was a good experience. I was not in a good mood and I am not sure why. I started off the day saying how I was content with things and life was going good but I guess I was lying to myself. One thing just made me crash. I wanted to just cry my eyes out til there was no more confusion or hurt in my body. Josh wanted to talk about it and I was just so upset that I couldnt do it. I cant get myself to trust him at all. I know the game to well to know what is going to happen in the end. I should just end this whole situation now. I think I know I should but I dont want too. I want to think everything is gonna be ok but its never ok for me. I have to get out before its to much to handle acutally I think it has already got there. People say that I should not worry about this situation so much but I cant help it. I dont want to worry about it but I dont know what else to do. Listen to me go on and on. Happy on the outside messed up inside. That is my lifestory. So this is me saying I am hurting right now and I dont know what to do....yes the always so happy megge is hurt.....

Its like duh..

busy busy busy!!! that is all I am anymore. I have been doing a lot of homework and hanging out with josh alot. I love how he has a category all to himself. I really like that guy. I just dont know what to do. Hopefully things will work themselves out!

Relay for life is on friday and I am super excited! Its going to be like a party within itself. I am glad Jenny is doing it with me! We can bond!!! haha...I am kinda sad cuz today she found out she got into Oshkosh. I knew she would but now reality has hit that next year I wont be seeing her. I cant dwell on it and have to enjoy the time I have left with her.

Well I am applying for this summer job. I am not sure if I will get it but who knows. I would be going to the east coast for the whole summer and becoming a salesperson with a text book company. I would be working wiht a school district to help sell books to families that need them. I really want to get this job. It would be a great experience. Not to mention i could make 6 to 9 thousand dollars!!! thats bank!! I dont know though. I have my first interview tomorrow so hopefully all goes well!

Not much else going on! I am loving life and I kinda hope it stays like this for awhile.....

lovelove

I want you to trust me!!!!

I have always had a problem with trusting people and now I am seeing the same person in one of my dear friends. Not being able to trust someone is the hardest thing in life. Trust builds everything else. I want her to know that I would do anything for her. I want her to know that I know how it feels and its not easy to get over it but we are here for her. Life has its downfalls but its worth it. If i would of not met her on the first day i am not sure what i would be doing now with my life. she has brought so many other people into my life that i truly appreciate now. these girls are like my sisters here. if i ever really need anything they are there. I want her to know the same. it hurts me inside to see her down. it makes me want to cry, more then anything. We love her!!!!!! I hope she reads this and smiles cuz thats all i want to see is a smile on her face!

This weekend...well i dont even know where to start. Friday we went bowling and that was fun. At first we all thought we were going to shoot annoying ass people that cant make up their mind. Bowling was actually fun. Flirting with Josh and is always a challenge but i like it. Bertha was there too. I tend not to like her cuz she is always trying to get at him. I just dont know. Saturday was an interesting day and night. Jenny, Josh and I went shopping for like three hours and that was fun. Josh was really quiet but we walked around together and talked. it was nice to just talk. Then we came back to the dorm I was so confused about him. Kinda wanted to scream...but didnt get a chance to because toni needed someone to jumps brandon's car and they were stranded in kohl's parking lot. great time. we get there and someone else had done it but then we decided to hang with them. We went back to the mall for another 3 hours. We got six hours of shopping in and i bought NOTHING!!! wow so proud. I came back to the dorm and well thats when I had my emotional break down. I was confused about josh, I had friends that wanted me to be there for them but them not there for me. I cried for awhile. you can see by the blog before this that i was not to happy. I wanted to left alone. Then saturday night we hung with tons of people. had a blast, danced, laughed, cuddled with josh!!!!!! I wanted to kiss him so bad but it didnt happen. Now i am even more confused about him. I think he likes me but how dont i know he isn't doing the same thing with Bertha. he could be a playa. I have been there. UGH!!! I DONT KNOW!!! alot of other stuff happened that night but its not something everyone needs to know. not much else going on in my life. my kidney has been hurting but i am hoping that its nothing serious. It was an interesting weekend! one that will be in my memory forever.

lovesemihate

the times we all feel down

so my writing professor has this idea that if we sit at a computer or even just feel like writing we should write anything that comes to our mind. so i am going to try it here with this blog. if i say anything really mean i am sorry and hope i dont offend anyone.

today has been one of those days where you think it went well but you are not sure. i went shopping with this really hott boy and my roommate which was tons of fun. but then its like i dont know where i stand with this guy. i just want to know thats all i ask for. i hate when guys are like oh i dont know. i have been through this so many times that i dont think its worth it anymore. i just want to text him and be like we cant hang out anymore because my feelings are getting involved and i dont want to get hurt. i have been hurt by to many guys and dont want to add another one right now. last year i was the girl on the side of johnny and i am not doing that again. i cant. who cares about me. UGH I HATE PEOPLE!!!! i just want to scream so bad. i am sick of being the nice ass person. i want to be the bitch, i want to be the person no one calls for help. i dont want to be the best friend. i hate it. i am always the person who has no feelings and just needs to be there for her friends. I HAVE FEELINGS!!! i do the same things as them. i am not on another level. i just want to be seen as me. why is this so hard for people? why? I dont understand. this brings out a really mean person i know but i kinda dont care anymore. i want to be able to have fun to and not regret anything. I want my friends to be happy and i want to help them but not all the time. I have problems too. So many problems that many dont know about. yea my family is fucked up but who cares right? yea i am having guy problems and at points i just want to cry. but who cares. i dont know what else to say. i think my mind is running out of ideas to write i had no idea this was what i was gonna get. i feel bad for bursting out but i shouldnt and i know this. I feel like i live in a world where i just blend in and well i want to stand out. i want to be different but i am. why dont i understand. where is this coming from. i have no idea. i think i need to give up on some situations and well its gonna hurt. but im done. best friends maybe are not the friends i thought they were and thats ok. i can live without them. i am not doing their dirty work anymore. fuck them. guys and girls can not be best friends and expect it to work.

well i think i am done for the night. maybe some more later. who knows.....

lovehate

Crushing.....:(

ugh...i dont even know what to say right now. I am crushing hard core and I dont even know what to do. I just keep smiling and ugh I hate this. I just want to know what he thinks. Anything that is all i ask for. something a hint. I think he flirts back but I dont know. He is so hott. Listen to me go on and on about him. Hanging out with him just makes my day. I just want to get lost in his world. When I talk to him its like there is no one else in this world....this sounds so bad. I dont even know if he likes me. I want to scream. Tonight was the best. Just hanging out with him and our friends. Now I am sad cuz he is gone and I am left doing homework.

ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS IF I HAVE A CHANCE!!!!

its official i have a little school girl crush. I think its more then a crush. Its likeness like no other. I have never had to work so hard to just find out if I have a chance.

well classes were fun today. I am not looking forward to classes ALL day tomorrow but all well...um my mom sent dexter so I am pretty excited about that. My roommate and I got really far on Donkey Kong so that made life even better. Not much else new.

I end thinking the same thing I started with...do I have a chance? Is it worth it?

lovelove

Breaking my back just to know your name....

someone told me that you had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend that i use to have. that would be a really interesting situation..not gonna lie. so day two of classes a lot better then day one. I like all my classes but not to sure about the professors. Last night was a blast..random nights never fail to amaze me in my life. I should be doing homework but thats ok. its snowing like crazy outside and i think i am gonna freeze if i go out there. I have always wondered what it would be like if i was a snowman...haha i know random but it would be fun. I am very sad my mom forgot to send me dexter and i am addicted to him. I need him. what else? um I love to jamming out to music. That is what I am doing and just chilling.

baby boi
I really like

ok back to today....I am hoping to watch a episode of v mars...but thats about it. my life is boring but fun. haha

lovelove

First day of classes

I am so scared of my english professor! OMG!!! he scares the crap out of me. I know I took him on purpose due to being a harder grader and helping you to improve your writing but damn he is insane. Its going to be an interesting semester. I have english, intro to minority cultures, health education, contemporary global issues and chemistry. Its not gonna be to easy. So far i have only had two of those classes english and minority class. I LOVE my minority professor he is hilarious. he does have an accent which at points is hard to understand but not to bad. He is from Sudan, which is pretty sweet. My girl Lindsey is in that class with me so I know its gonna be a blast. When we get together we are out of control. I hope tomorrow I am not scared of my professor like today. I thought he was gonna like eat me alive. eeeeee

My room is a mess...i really should clean it but dont have the energy to do it. I miss my friends from beloit. I love college but sometimes I just want those friends who have known you for ages. I want a steady man. Beloit always offered me the opportunity to have someone, not a boyfriend just someone to have. Here I have to work for it and I am starting to think that maybe its not worth it. I have learned that the saying once you go black you dont go back is true. I am having a really hard time liking someone who is not black. I know there is nothing wrong with it but ugh its hard. who knows...I guess I have to just wait and see.

Lovelove

The infamous break...

well i was away from this place i have started to call home for about 6 weeks and i am not sure what really happened in that time. Yea i know i went home and had a great time with friends but thats it. I didnt do anything amazing....kinda sucks. I very well known man died at home when I was there. Ken Hendricks was a miracle worker. He did so much for our city its crazy. I looked up to him. Even though people talk shit about Beloit and how it sucks I have always wanted to make a difference. Mr. Hendricks did so. I know that one day I will make a difference in that city and I will see Beloit become what I know it can become. I hate to sound cheesy but that is my dream. Hendricks death was a shock, no one thought the day would come. A freak accident and your life is gone; how does this happen to someone so amazing I ask? no one knows the answer. It was a rather sad break. I lost a lot of great friends. One especially that was my best friend for years. Her and I were just on two different pages. She cared more about popularity and I could care less. Sometimes I miss her and just want to pick up the phone and talk but I cant. I know things are better off this way. Otherwise I have come to have a great core group of friends. We all have fun together in a weird way. Sometimes I wonder about a few but I know that it is their life and I can no longer step in. Mistakes are bound to happen I just hope that none of them ends up to hurt. I moved back into my dorm yesterday and that was a blast. I missed being here...this place...a place I have come to call home. I am not sure why but I fit in here...one would think otherwise but I do in an odd way. Of course there is a guy here that makes things much more interesting but I dont know where him and I stand. I like to think that there is more then friendship but I am not sure. We talk alot and I love to hang out with him...there is just that I dont know factor. Life would not be fun without competition. There is another girl that likes him and well he doesn't knw about her either even better right? thats what i think. Over break I guess I forgot how amazingly hott he is. (I use amazing alot...hm must find new word). My friends here including him make me feel better about myself. I can be me and not worry about being looked down upon. I wonder if college will always be like this...part of me knows it will not be. We can always fool ourselves into thinking all is well. Well I start classes tomorrow so I am off to a dreamland...hopefully good ones. LOVELOVE