I just want to cry.....

i just want to cry. do you ever have those times in your life when you just need to cry and everything else will be fine, if you just cry. that is the type of moment i am in right now in my life. my life can not stay good for to long. I should of known that something was gonna happen. I should of put my wall up and not let anyone near me. But I dont want to be that person anymore and I dont know how to get rid of her. I want to trust people that come into my life but why cant i? I have been hurt so many times that i should be use to it by now, i should be numb to the hurt that comes over me. I dont understand this thing called hurt. It feels like someone is tearing out every single piece of me and burning it to pieces. I have come to the conclusion that i dont have a problem trusting females but I have a really hard time trusting males. Not just men that I like but all guys. I cant trust them. I have two best friends that are guys and I dont know if i can trust them. I thought I could but I have learned by multiple heartbreaks that I cant. Sometimes I wonder if my friends even know who I am. Do they not realize that I am hurting? I think this all came about with Toni having doubt that I care about her and she can trust me. For the last two weeks I have been walking around in this body pretending everything is ok when really I am not. I dont know how to talk to anyone. I dont know how to be like hey look at me I am hurting inside what do i do? Last night I did relay for life well acutally til this morning and I am super sore but it was fun. It was a good experience. I was not in a good mood and I am not sure why. I started off the day saying how I was content with things and life was going good but I guess I was lying to myself. One thing just made me crash. I wanted to just cry my eyes out til there was no more confusion or hurt in my body. Josh wanted to talk about it and I was just so upset that I couldnt do it. I cant get myself to trust him at all. I know the game to well to know what is going to happen in the end. I should just end this whole situation now. I think I know I should but I dont want too. I want to think everything is gonna be ok but its never ok for me. I have to get out before its to much to handle acutally I think it has already got there. People say that I should not worry about this situation so much but I cant help it. I dont want to worry about it but I dont know what else to do. Listen to me go on and on. Happy on the outside messed up inside. That is my lifestory. So this is me saying I am hurting right now and I dont know what to do....yes the always so happy megge is hurt.....