It's Killing Me

I have always been that strong person. The person my friends come to to talk about their problems and expect an answer from me that will help them deal. Yet now I feel like I am alone. Yea I talk about my problems with others but I keep most of it to myself. Hide it and not let others see that I am crying inside every single moment of every single day. Everyone is leaving this week to go home for the holidays yet here I am still sitting in Lax wondering where my home is...I don't have one anymore and that is the hardest thing for me to grasp. In this last month I tried so hard to rid of the tension between my mom and I but I didn't not succeed. She tells me if I come home I'm not allowed to see Jason or my friends. Who does she think she is? My friends and Jason are the only people that keep my grounded anymore. I am at the point in my life where I just want to say fuck it to everything. Fuck school, Fuck life, Fuck FUCK FUCK! Yet I smile and act like its all ok dont worry about it. I don't have a home, a family, or anything to call home back in Beloit.

Jenny leaves today and until Jan 26th (I think) I will be here by myself. I am not looking forward to it. I just don't like the image the parallel lines of how my school life reflects my inner life. This semester has been a bitch and I will be lucky if I pass all of my classes. I let my inner feelings play into my education which was where I went wrong from the start. No one is to blame but me for my actions. I have given up alcohol for a year. I will drink in strict moderation until my 21st bday. Which means maybe half a glass of wine or a bottle of beer that's it. No more nights of out of controlness and wonder what the fuck I did that for. No more drinking my emotions away. I am going to deal with my problems sober.

The future is starting to look bright for me...haha through all of this I have become independent not having to depend on my mom for money or security, I have myself now. I also have a few great freinds that mean the world to me. Without the support I have had this year I don't think I would of made it. I have an amazing boyfriend who I love so much it hurts. I don't think he realizes that without him I probably would of dropped out of school. End of this month will be 6 months for Jason and I and HOLY SHIT that is a long time. I hope we can make it another 6 months...I want him in my future. I never imagined myself saying those words. I watched couples make this statement and I would just laugh thinking yea right whatever but now it's me saying it and I like it. Next semester I have all health classes with one math class! Its going to be an interesting eventful semester. It is going to be an exciting year for the state of wisconsin and tobacco control! I want to be involved so bad...I just need to get my priorities straight. 2009 here I come and I am ready to make this year 10x better then this fucking year of 2008.

To think last year at this time. I had just got over kidney stones, johnny and the thought of being away from home. home a place that meant so much to me last year now ha well who cares.

ITS TIME TO ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT!

lovelove