Have the tables turned?

Tomorrow my friends come to visit me and I am so excited! I can not wait. There is going to be so many people in my room is sick. I have no idea where people are going to sleep. I hope all goes well. As of right now its not looking to good. I dont know...I just worry to much.

I think I am getting played in my old game of playa status. This time I am the one feeling what it feels like to be the one knowing he is with other girls. I thought I was over this. I thought I could find one guy who would not fuck me over. Johnny messed me up. He took my feelings and ran with them. I did kinda let him do this. I knew what was going on but I was content with it. This time I am not content with it. I do NOT want to be that girl on the side. I refuse to be the girl on the side. He needs to realize I am not playing fucking games. ugh...memories of last year. It was great....at points. Knowing that someone was there for me. I am being stupid about this.

I have tons of work to do tonight and I am blogging how great is that? well i think I am going to get to this work.

lovehurtlove...lets pretend its not there

Can I ask you a question?

It is going to be a good week! well at least I hope its going to be a good week. Now that I say that my luck a swarm of bees are going to attack me or something. haha Last week ended up being pretty good. I dont really remember much of it. I was really busy and sometimes I wish I wasn't but it keeps me occupied. Thursday was Josh's birthday and Jenny and I made him a card. haha it was out of control. Well we didnt make it we just destroyed the one we bought. Back to wednesday....haha that was an out of control day. BUT! Toni, Meghan, Jenny and I watched the Lunar Eclipse and that was intense. haha even though we are not sure what happened because the moon was not completly covered. It was fun though! Jenny dominated her head on Josh's door trying to slide the card under it and I felt bad. Um...thursday night Josh slept on our floor for like two hours not sure why but he def did. Jenny and I were laughing because Josh snores. It was too funny. He falls asleep so fast. At breakfast the next day he mentioned it in front of everyone and I am pretty sure Kelly hates my guts. Friday..what a weird day. We hung out in Toni's room. It was going good until stupid fuck lets call him Bob had to make stupid comments about Josh and I. I hate when people do that its like shut the fuck up. Just cuz Josh laid down and put his head on my lap. I feel bad for Bob sometimes but damn it dont ruin things for me. He made some comments to Jenny too and I didnt think they were very nice. I think it comes down to him being jealous. Saturday was a good day? maybe? haha we went out to eat and went to shopko that was fun. Then we played Taboo. It was Josh and I vs Mitch and Jenny and well lets just say my team was winning until I made a few blonde moment guesses. haha Josh won't let me live that down. Jenny, Mitch and I went to a really fancy place to eat. I liked it. The interior decor was great. I am really interested in stuff like decorations and mood settings...sometimes I wish I would follow that path but it doesn't seem right for me. All I am going to say about the rest of the night is I slept in Josh's room....nothing happened...we cuddled and it was AMAZING!!!!

I really like him but part of me is worried. I just want to ask him one question but I dont have the guts to do it. I just want to know how he feels about Kelly. I dont want to be the other girl. I was that for the longest time with Johnny. I really dont want to get played over and it worries me. I am not sure what I should do??? I dont worry about it to much due to the fact he hangs with me alot but idk. It always there in the back of my mind thinking maybe he likes her too. I hate when he is texting her when he is with me, I know I have no control over it but ugh.

So I have decided to not take this summer job. I feel like I would not be committed to it. My emotional status has been up and down for the last month and I dont want to go out there and it be the same. I just want to have a normal summer. I just want to be able to do what I want. Yea my friends probably wont be around but really thats ok with me. I think I need time to myself. Teenie and Kim are the only ones in Beloit that matter anymore. (They are suppose to come here this weekend and I am praying that it works out and they can come!!!) Summer = fun and well thats what I want to have.

loveloveconfusion...its my daily life

Baby, I dont want to play any games

sigh...it feels good to have today over. I have been so busy these last two days I didnt know if I was going to make it. But here I am still living. haha Yesterday I didnt get back to Lax until like 11:15 then stood here for like ten minutes and had to run to my 12 class. Then I had tons of meetings. The first one was for my HED class which we had to present today and well we didnt start til yesterday. That was fun. Then right after that I had my chemistry group meeting. I didnt have my section done due to freaking out about HED. I felt kind of bad but then I was like fuck it. I dont care anymore. That meeting went short so then I came back to my room and was super tired. I was going to take a half hour nap but it ended up being way longer thanks to josh who text me and woke me up cuz I probably never would of got up. Then I was going to go see Barack Obama's wife speak but that didnt happen. Went to dinner came back and had to work on my HED presentation all night. UGH! Today we presented and it was horrible. I hated it. I hate being up there and looking unorganized because that is how we looked. Tomorrow is a way easier day and I am excited about that. I hung out with hott boy josh for like an hour last night and got to see him today. Makes me smile. haha cheesy I know. Not to much else going on. OH I VOTED!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOO!!! haha it was indeed a special moment. I love politics and voting is even better. Everyone should vote!!!

lovelove

snow sucks...

it has been awhile. i just realized this. This last week has been BUSY!!! I felt like i had time for nothing. I did see Bill Clinton speak on thursday i believe. who knows what day it was. He is amazing at what he does. I walked out of there thinking I am voting for his wife and then i was like what? yea right. Valentines day sucked like always. I dont really believe in the holiday. its not even a holiday. um what else. i volunteered at the blood drive on wednesday. fun! UGH my health group is making me mad. we have a presentation on tuesday and guess waht we have not even started! This is why i do not like working in groups. I rather do stuff myself and make sure it gets done. Dont think anything else super exciting happened this week. Went to perkins, which was fun. This weekend was ok. Drama broke loose on friday. I think I saw every person that i didnt want to see at one place. I hate drama but it follows me everywhere. Then Johnny wanted to hang out. WTF? I dont know why people do this to me. i guess he is really sick but I dont really care. I got to hang out with Kim all night friday so that was the best part ever! Saturday i went to the Y2Y auction. I got to see all my friends there and just be back into the mode of my old self. i loved it. Then i went and saw teenie at beloit college. We hung out and then went to a dance party! I love that girl. We always have fun together! I have to say her roomie is pretty sweet too! I needed this weekend home to get my mind back into focus. Now i am stuck in beloit due to the weather and i am super MAD!!!! ugh. i hate snow! well i am off to pout about being stuck...lol

lovelove

Life is a rollercoster

up down around and around. that is my life these days. lets see good news. We finished Veronica Mars season 3!!! that was amazing kind of a sad moment but good. Jenny, Mitch and I beat the whole game of Donkey Kong! That was amazing. even though the stupid game punked us. We got over it. lets see...Josh told me he likes me. That was good. Even though now it seems different and I am not liking it to much. I seem to have lost one of my really good friends. I am not sure where she went but she is lost. I want to help her get found but she doesn't want my help. tears. There is a rumor going around that my lovely roommate might stay. My fingers are crossed that she does, but I am not gonna get my hopes up and then be sad. I really dont like being sad and that is what I have been these last couple of days. There is so much going on that there has not been time for me. Now that Josh likes me its like no fun. He is different, I hope its something else. I dont know. I have been so busy...i want to puke. I am having some doubts about this summer job but not sure yet. I just dont know anymore. I am so confused. I really should be writing this paper..Up down Up down over the hill take a sharp turn this is my life. why cant it just be normal for once...

lovesadlove

I just want to cry.....

i just want to cry. do you ever have those times in your life when you just need to cry and everything else will be fine, if you just cry. that is the type of moment i am in right now in my life. my life can not stay good for to long. I should of known that something was gonna happen. I should of put my wall up and not let anyone near me. But I dont want to be that person anymore and I dont know how to get rid of her. I want to trust people that come into my life but why cant i? I have been hurt so many times that i should be use to it by now, i should be numb to the hurt that comes over me. I dont understand this thing called hurt. It feels like someone is tearing out every single piece of me and burning it to pieces. I have come to the conclusion that i dont have a problem trusting females but I have a really hard time trusting males. Not just men that I like but all guys. I cant trust them. I have two best friends that are guys and I dont know if i can trust them. I thought I could but I have learned by multiple heartbreaks that I cant. Sometimes I wonder if my friends even know who I am. Do they not realize that I am hurting? I think this all came about with Toni having doubt that I care about her and she can trust me. For the last two weeks I have been walking around in this body pretending everything is ok when really I am not. I dont know how to talk to anyone. I dont know how to be like hey look at me I am hurting inside what do i do? Last night I did relay for life well acutally til this morning and I am super sore but it was fun. It was a good experience. I was not in a good mood and I am not sure why. I started off the day saying how I was content with things and life was going good but I guess I was lying to myself. One thing just made me crash. I wanted to just cry my eyes out til there was no more confusion or hurt in my body. Josh wanted to talk about it and I was just so upset that I couldnt do it. I cant get myself to trust him at all. I know the game to well to know what is going to happen in the end. I should just end this whole situation now. I think I know I should but I dont want too. I want to think everything is gonna be ok but its never ok for me. I have to get out before its to much to handle acutally I think it has already got there. People say that I should not worry about this situation so much but I cant help it. I dont want to worry about it but I dont know what else to do. Listen to me go on and on. Happy on the outside messed up inside. That is my lifestory. So this is me saying I am hurting right now and I dont know what to do....yes the always so happy megge is hurt.....

Its like duh..

busy busy busy!!! that is all I am anymore. I have been doing a lot of homework and hanging out with josh alot. I love how he has a category all to himself. I really like that guy. I just dont know what to do. Hopefully things will work themselves out!

Relay for life is on friday and I am super excited! Its going to be like a party within itself. I am glad Jenny is doing it with me! We can bond!!! haha...I am kinda sad cuz today she found out she got into Oshkosh. I knew she would but now reality has hit that next year I wont be seeing her. I cant dwell on it and have to enjoy the time I have left with her.

Well I am applying for this summer job. I am not sure if I will get it but who knows. I would be going to the east coast for the whole summer and becoming a salesperson with a text book company. I would be working wiht a school district to help sell books to families that need them. I really want to get this job. It would be a great experience. Not to mention i could make 6 to 9 thousand dollars!!! thats bank!! I dont know though. I have my first interview tomorrow so hopefully all goes well!

Not much else going on! I am loving life and I kinda hope it stays like this for awhile.....

lovelove

I want you to trust me!!!!

I have always had a problem with trusting people and now I am seeing the same person in one of my dear friends. Not being able to trust someone is the hardest thing in life. Trust builds everything else. I want her to know that I would do anything for her. I want her to know that I know how it feels and its not easy to get over it but we are here for her. Life has its downfalls but its worth it. If i would of not met her on the first day i am not sure what i would be doing now with my life. she has brought so many other people into my life that i truly appreciate now. these girls are like my sisters here. if i ever really need anything they are there. I want her to know the same. it hurts me inside to see her down. it makes me want to cry, more then anything. We love her!!!!!! I hope she reads this and smiles cuz thats all i want to see is a smile on her face!

This weekend...well i dont even know where to start. Friday we went bowling and that was fun. At first we all thought we were going to shoot annoying ass people that cant make up their mind. Bowling was actually fun. Flirting with Josh and is always a challenge but i like it. Bertha was there too. I tend not to like her cuz she is always trying to get at him. I just dont know. Saturday was an interesting day and night. Jenny, Josh and I went shopping for like three hours and that was fun. Josh was really quiet but we walked around together and talked. it was nice to just talk. Then we came back to the dorm I was so confused about him. Kinda wanted to scream...but didnt get a chance to because toni needed someone to jumps brandon's car and they were stranded in kohl's parking lot. great time. we get there and someone else had done it but then we decided to hang with them. We went back to the mall for another 3 hours. We got six hours of shopping in and i bought NOTHING!!! wow so proud. I came back to the dorm and well thats when I had my emotional break down. I was confused about josh, I had friends that wanted me to be there for them but them not there for me. I cried for awhile. you can see by the blog before this that i was not to happy. I wanted to left alone. Then saturday night we hung with tons of people. had a blast, danced, laughed, cuddled with josh!!!!!! I wanted to kiss him so bad but it didnt happen. Now i am even more confused about him. I think he likes me but how dont i know he isn't doing the same thing with Bertha. he could be a playa. I have been there. UGH!!! I DONT KNOW!!! alot of other stuff happened that night but its not something everyone needs to know. not much else going on in my life. my kidney has been hurting but i am hoping that its nothing serious. It was an interesting weekend! one that will be in my memory forever.

lovesemihate

the times we all feel down

so my writing professor has this idea that if we sit at a computer or even just feel like writing we should write anything that comes to our mind. so i am going to try it here with this blog. if i say anything really mean i am sorry and hope i dont offend anyone.

today has been one of those days where you think it went well but you are not sure. i went shopping with this really hott boy and my roommate which was tons of fun. but then its like i dont know where i stand with this guy. i just want to know thats all i ask for. i hate when guys are like oh i dont know. i have been through this so many times that i dont think its worth it anymore. i just want to text him and be like we cant hang out anymore because my feelings are getting involved and i dont want to get hurt. i have been hurt by to many guys and dont want to add another one right now. last year i was the girl on the side of johnny and i am not doing that again. i cant. who cares about me. UGH I HATE PEOPLE!!!! i just want to scream so bad. i am sick of being the nice ass person. i want to be the bitch, i want to be the person no one calls for help. i dont want to be the best friend. i hate it. i am always the person who has no feelings and just needs to be there for her friends. I HAVE FEELINGS!!! i do the same things as them. i am not on another level. i just want to be seen as me. why is this so hard for people? why? I dont understand. this brings out a really mean person i know but i kinda dont care anymore. i want to be able to have fun to and not regret anything. I want my friends to be happy and i want to help them but not all the time. I have problems too. So many problems that many dont know about. yea my family is fucked up but who cares right? yea i am having guy problems and at points i just want to cry. but who cares. i dont know what else to say. i think my mind is running out of ideas to write i had no idea this was what i was gonna get. i feel bad for bursting out but i shouldnt and i know this. I feel like i live in a world where i just blend in and well i want to stand out. i want to be different but i am. why dont i understand. where is this coming from. i have no idea. i think i need to give up on some situations and well its gonna hurt. but im done. best friends maybe are not the friends i thought they were and thats ok. i can live without them. i am not doing their dirty work anymore. fuck them. guys and girls can not be best friends and expect it to work.

well i think i am done for the night. maybe some more later. who knows.....

lovehate