TOMORROW! Hopefully I can make it home. It is suppose to snow and I am worried that Meghan and I won't make it home. I am hoping the snow is not to bad and we can make it. I really just want to be in Beloit. I have not started packing or anything...UGH! I have so much to do and yet here I am blogging about nothing. I am nervous about my trip home thanks to my mom. I am afraid she is gonna yell at me for something. I hate being a disappointment to someone. I can't wait to see Teenie and Kim! OMG I just want to be there. I get to see Jason. I am so excited.
Teenie wants us to write out our New Years Resolutions and share them and it has got me thinking of what I really want to improve this year. I feel that my way of expression needs to be improved. I let so many things go that I should say. Not just all bad things positive things to. I have a hard time communicating with others. This is my goal to improve it. I want to just enjoy life. This seems simple but lately I have not enjoyed life at all. I want to be able to be carefree and not worry. Jason says I am to uptight and I worry way to much, which I kinda think is true. So I am going to relax more. I am gonna love life.
I talked to Adam yesterday and he told me he was not going back to Beloit College. It surprised me. This dream school that he had to go to and now he is going to U-Rock. WOW! How life changes in such a short period of time. I kinda wish I was him. I wish I was in Beloit. I don't have enough guts to walk away from Lax. My college life is established here. I talked to Krisit the other day and we have decided that we should hang out sometime when we are both in Beloit. It was nice talking to her. I think we both have grown up and now that we were being stupid.
Life is constatnly moving and I am ready to keep up with the movement and not feel sorry for myself......
lovelove
Monday, December 22, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
It's Killing Me
I have always been that strong person. The person my friends come to to talk about their problems and expect an answer from me that will help them deal. Yet now I feel like I am alone. Yea I talk about my problems with others but I keep most of it to myself. Hide it and not let others see that I am crying inside every single moment of every single day. Everyone is leaving this week to go home for the holidays yet here I am still sitting in Lax wondering where my home is...I don't have one anymore and that is the hardest thing for me to grasp. In this last month I tried so hard to rid of the tension between my mom and I but I didn't not succeed. She tells me if I come home I'm not allowed to see Jason or my friends. Who does she think she is? My friends and Jason are the only people that keep my grounded anymore. I am at the point in my life where I just want to say fuck it to everything. Fuck school, Fuck life, Fuck FUCK FUCK! Yet I smile and act like its all ok dont worry about it. I don't have a home, a family, or anything to call home back in Beloit.
Jenny leaves today and until Jan 26th (I think) I will be here by myself. I am not looking forward to it. I just don't like the image the parallel lines of how my school life reflects my inner life. This semester has been a bitch and I will be lucky if I pass all of my classes. I let my inner feelings play into my education which was where I went wrong from the start. No one is to blame but me for my actions. I have given up alcohol for a year. I will drink in strict moderation until my 21st bday. Which means maybe half a glass of wine or a bottle of beer that's it. No more nights of out of controlness and wonder what the fuck I did that for. No more drinking my emotions away. I am going to deal with my problems sober.
The future is starting to look bright for me...haha through all of this I have become independent not having to depend on my mom for money or security, I have myself now. I also have a few great freinds that mean the world to me. Without the support I have had this year I don't think I would of made it. I have an amazing boyfriend who I love so much it hurts. I don't think he realizes that without him I probably would of dropped out of school. End of this month will be 6 months for Jason and I and HOLY SHIT that is a long time. I hope we can make it another 6 months...I want him in my future. I never imagined myself saying those words. I watched couples make this statement and I would just laugh thinking yea right whatever but now it's me saying it and I like it. Next semester I have all health classes with one math class! Its going to be an interesting eventful semester. It is going to be an exciting year for the state of wisconsin and tobacco control! I want to be involved so bad...I just need to get my priorities straight. 2009 here I come and I am ready to make this year 10x better then this fucking year of 2008.
To think last year at this time. I had just got over kidney stones, johnny and the thought of being away from home. home a place that meant so much to me last year now ha well who cares.
ITS TIME TO ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT!
lovelove
Jenny leaves today and until Jan 26th (I think) I will be here by myself. I am not looking forward to it. I just don't like the image the parallel lines of how my school life reflects my inner life. This semester has been a bitch and I will be lucky if I pass all of my classes. I let my inner feelings play into my education which was where I went wrong from the start. No one is to blame but me for my actions. I have given up alcohol for a year. I will drink in strict moderation until my 21st bday. Which means maybe half a glass of wine or a bottle of beer that's it. No more nights of out of controlness and wonder what the fuck I did that for. No more drinking my emotions away. I am going to deal with my problems sober.
The future is starting to look bright for me...haha through all of this I have become independent not having to depend on my mom for money or security, I have myself now. I also have a few great freinds that mean the world to me. Without the support I have had this year I don't think I would of made it. I have an amazing boyfriend who I love so much it hurts. I don't think he realizes that without him I probably would of dropped out of school. End of this month will be 6 months for Jason and I and HOLY SHIT that is a long time. I hope we can make it another 6 months...I want him in my future. I never imagined myself saying those words. I watched couples make this statement and I would just laugh thinking yea right whatever but now it's me saying it and I like it. Next semester I have all health classes with one math class! Its going to be an interesting eventful semester. It is going to be an exciting year for the state of wisconsin and tobacco control! I want to be involved so bad...I just need to get my priorities straight. 2009 here I come and I am ready to make this year 10x better then this fucking year of 2008.
To think last year at this time. I had just got over kidney stones, johnny and the thought of being away from home. home a place that meant so much to me last year now ha well who cares.
ITS TIME TO ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT!
lovelove
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I hate this
So christmas is suppose to be time the time of the year when you spend the holidays with the ones you love. Well it does not seem that way for me. I dislike my mom so much anymore I cant stand it. I don't think I am gonna go home for xmas this year. I think it is best that my mom and I not be around each other this time of the year. She does not understand who I am as a person and she forces me to choose between my family and Jason. I am done. I can not do this anymore and I hope one day she realizes what she has lost.
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