It is like a flash

I never thought my life would be in the position it is right now. I am semi happy. lol who would of thought. My mom is finally realizing that she can not control me and Jason is not mad at me....haha. Well more like I am not mad at Jason. Things seem to be looking up for him and I. I just hope they continue that way. I love him! I am going home this weekend to see him and I am so excited! Six weeks with no sex is rough on the body hahahahaha. I did go to the doctor this week and I am now on birth control. Safety first! Not much else is new.

I have decided that life is to short to worry about anything. I have seen so many lives taken way to early that I am not holding back anymore. I am ready to take life at full speed. I only get one shot at my life. I need to learn how to be more outspoken. I need to be honest right upfront. UGH!

I have been hanging out with Toni and I hope our friendship can mend itself. I don't things will ever quite be the same but they can be close. I talked to Josh to so hopefully him and I can get over our awkward stage in our lives. Terrell and I seem to have let go of the past also. He apologized for everything he did to me in high school. All the times he made me cry...haha i was a silly girl. I have not had enough nerve to ask him if he ever did like me but I will ask someday. Kristi and I talk often too which is nice. All these old friends coming back into my life I like it.
But most importantly I miss Kim and Teenie..the two who have stuck by my side through thick and thin.

School sucks! nothing else to say. I want to be done now. I am to busy for my own good.
Beloit = 4 days!!!!!!!!!! I never thought it would be so close! I hope it goes well but I predict the worse.

lovelove

I hate this part right here

AH! I am done with fighting....all Jason and I do is fight anymore. We have not talked in five days and it is killing me. I try to make things work but he won't talk to me. I just want to talk to him and figure out what I need to do. Maybe it is time for us to go our separate ways or maybe we need this to be stronger I am not sure as of right now. Ever since Christmas I have had doubts and I don't know why. I just want it to work but he says everything is fine blah blah blah.....I can't see myself without him. Single......it has been awhile since I have had that freedom. Pretty sure I don't want it again. My heart hurts....my body hurts....ugh lets get over this

2009!!!!

Ah! well 2009 has started off bad. I re read my last post and I was so excited to go home and now I look back on it and home sucked. My mom and I were able to get over our differences which was a plus yet one things goes right another goes wrong. Jason and I are having problems. Or maybe it's me that is having a problem. There is no communication and it drives me off the wall. I say I love you he says see ya later. I say why don't you say it and he ignores me. sigh
Ask myself is it me? Do I not communicate? Do we both not communicate? Am I worrying over nothing? Am I being stupid? UGH!!!! Relationships take so much work! Why can't life be easy?

Now that that is out of the way. Hm...2009 brings new hopes and dreams. haha dreams that will never be reached. I want to be in Beloit. I want to be with Jason. I want to be happy. Why can't I have these things? Because I want want want when really what I need is an education. stupid school.

J-term starts tomorrow! YAY! hate it. maybe I need a distraction for awhile. maybe i need to drop out of life. haha see the confusion that goes on. I hate it!

Well I hate this weather! Hopefully it starts to get warm in like a month....highly doubt it but I can hope.

loveconfusion!

Come a little closer baby

TOMORROW! Hopefully I can make it home. It is suppose to snow and I am worried that Meghan and I won't make it home. I am hoping the snow is not to bad and we can make it. I really just want to be in Beloit. I have not started packing or anything...UGH! I have so much to do and yet here I am blogging about nothing. I am nervous about my trip home thanks to my mom. I am afraid she is gonna yell at me for something. I hate being a disappointment to someone. I can't wait to see Teenie and Kim! OMG I just want to be there. I get to see Jason. I am so excited.

Teenie wants us to write out our New Years Resolutions and share them and it has got me thinking of what I really want to improve this year. I feel that my way of expression needs to be improved. I let so many things go that I should say. Not just all bad things positive things to. I have a hard time communicating with others. This is my goal to improve it. I want to just enjoy life. This seems simple but lately I have not enjoyed life at all. I want to be able to be carefree and not worry. Jason says I am to uptight and I worry way to much, which I kinda think is true. So I am going to relax more. I am gonna love life.

I talked to Adam yesterday and he told me he was not going back to Beloit College. It surprised me. This dream school that he had to go to and now he is going to U-Rock. WOW! How life changes in such a short period of time. I kinda wish I was him. I wish I was in Beloit. I don't have enough guts to walk away from Lax. My college life is established here. I talked to Krisit the other day and we have decided that we should hang out sometime when we are both in Beloit. It was nice talking to her. I think we both have grown up and now that we were being stupid.

Life is constatnly moving and I am ready to keep up with the movement and not feel sorry for myself......

lovelove

It's Killing Me

I have always been that strong person. The person my friends come to to talk about their problems and expect an answer from me that will help them deal. Yet now I feel like I am alone. Yea I talk about my problems with others but I keep most of it to myself. Hide it and not let others see that I am crying inside every single moment of every single day. Everyone is leaving this week to go home for the holidays yet here I am still sitting in Lax wondering where my home is...I don't have one anymore and that is the hardest thing for me to grasp. In this last month I tried so hard to rid of the tension between my mom and I but I didn't not succeed. She tells me if I come home I'm not allowed to see Jason or my friends. Who does she think she is? My friends and Jason are the only people that keep my grounded anymore. I am at the point in my life where I just want to say fuck it to everything. Fuck school, Fuck life, Fuck FUCK FUCK! Yet I smile and act like its all ok dont worry about it. I don't have a home, a family, or anything to call home back in Beloit.

Jenny leaves today and until Jan 26th (I think) I will be here by myself. I am not looking forward to it. I just don't like the image the parallel lines of how my school life reflects my inner life. This semester has been a bitch and I will be lucky if I pass all of my classes. I let my inner feelings play into my education which was where I went wrong from the start. No one is to blame but me for my actions. I have given up alcohol for a year. I will drink in strict moderation until my 21st bday. Which means maybe half a glass of wine or a bottle of beer that's it. No more nights of out of controlness and wonder what the fuck I did that for. No more drinking my emotions away. I am going to deal with my problems sober.

The future is starting to look bright for me...haha through all of this I have become independent not having to depend on my mom for money or security, I have myself now. I also have a few great freinds that mean the world to me. Without the support I have had this year I don't think I would of made it. I have an amazing boyfriend who I love so much it hurts. I don't think he realizes that without him I probably would of dropped out of school. End of this month will be 6 months for Jason and I and HOLY SHIT that is a long time. I hope we can make it another 6 months...I want him in my future. I never imagined myself saying those words. I watched couples make this statement and I would just laugh thinking yea right whatever but now it's me saying it and I like it. Next semester I have all health classes with one math class! Its going to be an interesting eventful semester. It is going to be an exciting year for the state of wisconsin and tobacco control! I want to be involved so bad...I just need to get my priorities straight. 2009 here I come and I am ready to make this year 10x better then this fucking year of 2008.

To think last year at this time. I had just got over kidney stones, johnny and the thought of being away from home. home a place that meant so much to me last year now ha well who cares.

ITS TIME TO ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT!

lovelove

I hate this

So christmas is suppose to be time the time of the year when you spend the holidays with the ones you love. Well it does not seem that way for me. I dislike my mom so much anymore I cant stand it. I don't think I am gonna go home for xmas this year. I think it is best that my mom and I not be around each other this time of the year. She does not understand who I am as a person and she forces me to choose between my family and Jason. I am done. I can not do this anymore and I hope one day she realizes what she has lost.

Its my dick in a box...

AH! that is the word of the day. I am so exhausted of life right now. I miss Beloit, my friends, family and most of all Jason. Of course I fucked things up already, not surprising. I had to go and start talking to someone else in order to feel like I had someone but this just made things worse. Jason and I got over it and now I realize that I am more in love with this man then I have been with anyone else. I just want to see him every day. I want to sit on the couch and watch a movie together. I want to wake up next to him. I want all of this and I can't have it right now because I am going to school so fucking far away. He came and saw me this weekend, which was amazing, but it makes me want to cry all the time now because I realized how much he means to me. I have to make it through this. We have to make it.

Otherwise life sucks. I have not seen any of my friends in forever. I want to go home for a weekend but I don't get weekends off anymore. I need to figure things out with my family because they are a little ridiculous. I hate this. I just want to be happy and I can't do that. Hm I am living in a house next year which is super exciting. I can not wait! I am living with my friend Andrea who is amazing and then Jenny too which is even more exciting! Three years of rooming together she is like my sister. I am excited. who knows what I am doing for the holidays because I sure they fuck don't know what I am doing. I am not going home for thanksgiving but maybe for Christmas...who knows. not much else going on.

inlovelove