I don't care what they say

So I have continued my streak of fucking things up. ha not suprising. Josh and I are not even friends now. sigh. This is what I wanted. I have to keep telling myself that. This is the best option for both of us. I just want my feelings for him to go away. I miss him....I really do. I miss just hanging out with him. He probably doesn't even care but whatever I can not think about him anymore.

I have noticed that every guy I talk to uses the same lines on me. In the last three years I have had one guy that I have talked to for a long period of time but in the end they always tell me the same thing. You are an amazing girl but I just want to be friends or I do not want anything more right now. I do no understand this. If I am so amazing then why can't they make the commitment to me. Adam, Johnny and now Josh. Three guys that I developed strong feelings for and was shut down by all three. We all have a history together but nothing more. These must not be the men for me. Maybe I need to tell them from the start that I am not looking for friends with benefits or a fling. Maybe I am just picking the wrong guys....ugh.

This is my last week of school and I am super excited to be heading home soon. I just want to be done and away from lax for awhile...I need a break. I need to get my head back on track. I need to take one whole day and just cry with my friends. I need someone who understands me to tell me it is going to be ok. I need my best friends. I need my family. I am a wreck... but I will suck it up for a week!

sadlove

Stupid

i always fuck things up. I don't know why I am so stupid. I get to points in my life where I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself for not being able to control myself. I hate that I say stupid things. I hate when I ruin other people's fun. I try so hard to hide my true feelings but I get to points where I can't do it anymore. I am hurting inside. I don't know what to do. I don't want to like Josh anymore. I just want things to be easy and they are not easy between him and I. I like him so much and that is the problem more then anything. I hate this. I just want to move on but I can't. This makes no sense. I do not like being hurt and I don't like huring others. He tells me he likes me but then why the fuck is this so hard? Why the fuck are we both pretending nothing is going on between us? WHY!?! thats all i need to know. The school year is almost over and we will go our separate ways. He won't want to talk to me over the summer. I will hold on to nothing. I hate that about myself. I just can't get over someone. He probably won't even talk to me after last night. I flipped out. I just don't know what to do with him. I just don't understand him. He makes no sense at all. He makes this so hard. UGH!!!

I am so glad I have friends that help me through this but there is nothing for anyone to do. I am glad they stick by my side. I am glad I can talk to them. Jenny probably hates me. I ruin everything anymore. I just want to be done with this school year so maybe just maybe I can move on. I want to talk to Josh before the year ends but who knows it probably wont happen.

I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for being emotional when it was not needed. I am sorry for being the nice person all the time. I am sorry for being the bitch. Sorry is just a word that does not take actions back. I hate myself for this. All I can say is sorry and hope that you will forgive me.

I ask for fogivness.........