Stupid

i always fuck things up. I don't know why I am so stupid. I get to points in my life where I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself for not being able to control myself. I hate that I say stupid things. I hate when I ruin other people's fun. I try so hard to hide my true feelings but I get to points where I can't do it anymore. I am hurting inside. I don't know what to do. I don't want to like Josh anymore. I just want things to be easy and they are not easy between him and I. I like him so much and that is the problem more then anything. I hate this. I just want to move on but I can't. This makes no sense. I do not like being hurt and I don't like huring others. He tells me he likes me but then why the fuck is this so hard? Why the fuck are we both pretending nothing is going on between us? WHY!?! thats all i need to know. The school year is almost over and we will go our separate ways. He won't want to talk to me over the summer. I will hold on to nothing. I hate that about myself. I just can't get over someone. He probably won't even talk to me after last night. I flipped out. I just don't know what to do with him. I just don't understand him. He makes no sense at all. He makes this so hard. UGH!!!

I am so glad I have friends that help me through this but there is nothing for anyone to do. I am glad they stick by my side. I am glad I can talk to them. Jenny probably hates me. I ruin everything anymore. I just want to be done with this school year so maybe just maybe I can move on. I want to talk to Josh before the year ends but who knows it probably wont happen.

I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for being emotional when it was not needed. I am sorry for being the nice person all the time. I am sorry for being the bitch. Sorry is just a word that does not take actions back. I hate myself for this. All I can say is sorry and hope that you will forgive me.

I ask for fogivness.........