Can't help myself

Well I have been home for about two weeks and i HATE it. The day after I come home my family decides to fall apart. I didn't really know what was going on and I still don't know what is going on in that area of my life. I thought I was coming home to get away from drama but I def walked into a big mess of it. I do not know what is going on in my life. I want to say I am happy and that I love every single moment of my life. Yet sometimes I don't want to even wake up. All I really want to do is sleep and dream of the life that I once had. A life where I was happy but in reality I have never had that life I just made it seem that way. Now I am paying for pretending to be happy. Hopefully I can get back on track soon.

Beloit has brought some interesting things into my life. My FRIENDS of course make life so much easier but there is so much other shit that i am lucky i have them friends. Josh and I are just friends now. I am content with this. this is what we need to be nothing more. He annoys me and I don't like talking about him anymore haha. There are not any guys here in Beloit right now. There are a few that I have noticed but I am just working and trying to keep my head above water. I don't really know what I want right now. I want a relationship but I don't know if I want to be tied down...who knows. haha

My best friend from the past came back into my life the other day and I have to say I miss having him as a friend. I miss all the memories we have together and all the fun we had. I miss being able to come home and know that he was always next door if I ever needed anything. I miss the midnight phone conversations on the phone while looking through the window. I just wish I wouldn't of cared about who I was in high school and I would of stayed friends with him. I do admit that I made a mistake. I let peer pressure get to me. I should have never gave up on him. He is still the same guy. I always thought him and I would date. I had a crush on him for so long and him the same with me. We spend the night at each other's houses all the time but nothing ever happened we were young and confused.

I am still waiting for that summer feeling to come...I hope it comes soon cuz I hate this feeling of blahness in my life.....

lovelove